13th Stepped.

I didn’t listen. I knew I shouldn’t have been going to AA to meet guys, but the temptation was there. So many cute boys that seemed to be my type. What the fuck “my type” means I don’t even know anymore. Well, the temptation took over. One of the biggest reasons that finally got me to admit that I was an alcoholic in the first place was that dating fucking sucked being that sober girl. So when I met cool cute dudes in the meetings, it was a game-changer. I told people that I wouldn’t do it, and pretended to listen to the advice of my sponsor, but I didn’t believe my lies for one second. I’ve learned how to convince people I’m agreeing with a totally straight face and response when inside I’m like…yeah no I’m going to do what I want. I heard these guys were charmers. I heard they don’t change. I heard that it could ruin your program to date at AA. Yet I still wanted to do it. I also heard that I needed to heal. I needed to give dating some space. I heard I needed to have better boundaries and wait. Yet, I didn’t do that. I knew I had boundary issues, and said fuck it. I’m taking responsibility here, but it still fucking sucks.

When I was approached by an attractive, tall, what seemed like grounded surfer dude with 11 years of sobriety and similar in age, I was intrigued. I thought both his friend and him were hot. They were both functional, had good jobs, very intelligent, and very interesting. They weren’t the typical rough around the edges dropping F-bomb types that generally populated the rooms. Well, apparently they saw me too and discussed who had dibs. The first one made a move, and what resulted was a nice embrace parting ways, and then him blowing me off and going MIA. Frustrated from that experience, I decided to be open to his friend. Now of course his friend (the tall dude) was one I would see much more than once a week, so the decision to go there was clearly stupid on my part. He was incredibly charming, drew me in, verbalized how much he cared for me and saw potential, wore me down, got it in, and then made some inconsiderate comments that made me feel both confused, cheap, disappointed, and livid.

A couple of notable charming comments:

“Yea dude..we discussed it and he had dibs first.” Glad I’m a piece of meat.

“I want to be inside you, I won’t tell if you give in….” AND THEN “Oh man, I really wish we waited at least a day or two! But now it’s all spilled milk baby.” Thanks.

“You shouldn’t date guys in the program, but we slept together so now you’ve got to live with it.” Charming.

The sad part is that I did know better. I didn’t say no, I gave in, I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t say anything. I let myself be played. I didn’t follow the signs that are now so clear. I put myself in that situation, totally sober. I let my own ego and hopefulness of love cloud my judgement and allow me to be more vulnerable. Maybe he did prey on me. Maybe I was their conquest. Maybe he was super douchey. But I allowed it. Where the fuck did my self-esteem go? Yes there was chemistry, yes I wanted to have sex with him, but why did I agree to it then? Could’ve I waited? It’s never worked for me when I’ve given in. And feeling pressured to do it feels violating. But again, I have to take responsibility and own the fact that I let it happen. I can’t say that I was violated, but I can say I feel wronged. I feel like it shouldn’t of happened. I feel angry that I got sucked into one more guy’s lies. I feel mad that I was so vulnerable and he preyed on my vulnerability. It seems whether or not a girl is drunk, guys like to prey on vulnerable women. It’s sick and I’m sick of letting them get away with it.

The crappy part is the realization that this specific situation was totally sober. I didn’t have booze to blame it on. I didn’t black out, and I remember his douchiness, my vulnerability, and my weakness. I had to face my shit the last couple of days, and guess what, facing your shit when you know you were partially to blame feels really fucking miserable. I realized I’m also feeling miserably angry and hurt about it, because it overlaps with my trust issues I already have toward men. I’ve been burned before, and treated like a piece of meat. Being practically told I was just a piece of meat makes me angry. It’s not something I can just let go so easily.

The other crappy part is that if I had really been as observant and responsive as I like to think I am, I would’ve put two and two together. He built himself up to appear to have a huge ego with comments like,

“I can do anything, I’m the best there is at coding. I’m fantastic.” 

“I know how to charm the women.”

“I do a lot of service, but I only do it for me. My own ego. When sponsees give up, it’s a relief for me.”

These are just a couple of examples. He straight up told me he had a huge ego. Why would I immediately sleep with someone who spells out that they have a huge ego? He also told me all about his tattered past and how he is afraid to really face his shit in certain instances. He told me that his speech impediment made him go to “a school for retards,” and he has always felt the need to prove himself. He described how his mom has major issues as well.

So basically he is an insecure little bitch with mommy issues.

The alcoholic brain lets me get in the way of myself. I did have a hard week last week, but things were looking up when I got accepted to grad school. Why did I have to get in the way of myself and then allow myself to feel miserable? Why am I allowing myself to feel miserable in general? People hook up all the time, why does this time carry so much weight for me? Why do I care so much? Because I said I wouldn’t do it again? Because I said I would be stronger next time? Because I thought I was better than that? Because he made me feel cheap with his comments? Because he made me feel like chopped liver with his next-day distance? Why am I still stewing on this? Because I’m going to keep seeing him? Because people keep giving me the advice that I need to just play it off like nothing happened…don’t let him see me sweat…laugh in his face…play it cool? I don’t want to play it fucking cool. I’m also not going to avoid those meetings because he is there.

I’ve decided that even though it will be uncomfortable, and I might be super vulnerable again, I’m going to pull him aside and chat with him. I don’t know what to say, and many would say that isn’t the right move. But I simply cannot let this stew any longer and live in avoidance, fear, disappointment with myself, immense sadness, and feeling totally unclear as to what really happened. Was he really super douchey? Did I make any of this up in my head?

The whole thing sucks, but I’ll survive. I’m better than that. In fact I felt called to go to a meeting tonight and they said exactly what I needed to hear….10th step = taking responsibility and own your shit. Yes, this is fucking hard, but hopefully I can move through it quicker.

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