My cousin and I always come up with nicknames for the dudes I meet or date. It’s better than assigning them actual names. So I met this dude on a competitor dating site to my own, he had the same name as this other guy I had a brief weird synchronicity with, so I thought it was a bit strange. The nickname sounded a lot better.
I broke my rule for him. I met him without speaking on the phone with him first. It was only a mere sunset walk in the park with our dogs, so I thought it would be ok. Well it was. It was better than ok. We got along swimmingly and proceeded to spend the next 6 hours together talking under the full moon. It was easy. Refreshingly so. He was tall, stylish, attractive, intellectual, driven, and his job was one I very much respected as it went along with my mission in life. He really seemed like the “total package” (aka TP).
I became a softy since moving into my new spot in my new hood. I loved my apt so much that I started letting lots of friends over to see it. I basically was so proud of it that I wanted to world to see it. So, I let him come back to my place on that first date to drink some tea and listen to records considering the full moon walk got super cold. Pretty innocent. He left and I don’t recall if we even kissed. Harmless. Although, we stayed up till about 1:30am. I had to wake up the next day at 7am. He did mention that he could see being with me long term and was hoping to move by the beach at some point. He made the comment “when we move to the beach”. Instead of thinking this was a red flag, I thought it was sweet that such a charming attractive guy was so quick to see me in that light.
He brought up the idea of us watching a couple of flicks that he thought I would thoroughly enjoy the next evening after I got done with work. I was into it. I mean he seemed amazing. He didn’t want me to come to his place because apparently it was super dirty or something.
He came over and yea, I was exhausted from the prior night, but hung in there like a champ. He had noticed that I had a crock pot, remembered that I had ordered chili fries at the vegan place we had stopped at before our 1st walk, and that I was gluten free. So he brought all of the ingredients to make slow cook chili, gluten free cookies, gluten free pie from the vegan place, and the movies he promised. He literally seemed hands down amazing. He did bring over his dog, but I assumed they were a package deal. Sort of.
We hung out and it was pretty outstanding, again. His dog was super obnoxious shitting and pissing on the floor, and a little oblivious about my dog’s back issues. This made me on edge, but I let the feelings pass because the dude seemed so cool. Again we stayed up too late for my schedule, and I had to wake up the next morning at 7am. He made several comments about wanting to be with me. And upon showing up he kissed me and said, “I’m so happy we’re together.” I was kind of taken aback by that comment, because yes, we were physically together in the same room, but not boyfriend girlfriend. I just smiled and kissed him back. We went for a walk to grab coffee, and along the way a women approached me and asked me to be a hair model for an exclusive show happening right then. It was weird timing, and I just couldn’t hang since we had stayed up so late yet again. But he was totally supportive about the whole thing.
He seemed totally supportive in general. He absolutely loved what I was doing with my life and startup. He listed to my podcast interview for a feminist company and raved how cool it was. He said he wanted to come see me at my upcoming speaking engagement, and wanted to help in any way possible. He also proudly wore one of my shirts I gave him. At coffee he managed to get some very personal things about me out on the table. And seemed enraged to the core at the news of those events. He seemed perfect, and someone I could see myself with. He also was ok with a couple of my odd quirks, just because he was so into me as a person. Literally too good to be true.
We decided to hang yet again the night after since I had invited him to a dance party, and he actually wanted to go and learn the moves. This was super refreshing after dating a dud who never wanted to go out and be social or do anything I wanted to do. Meeting a new guy who was down to do anything and everything seemed heavenly. Well, we decided it was best to just hang out afterwards so my gf wouldn’t be the third wheel. At this point it was basically date 3. I was so exhausted from the previous two nights, that I almost passed out at dinner with my girl friend. I really should’ve told him to refrain from coming by, but we had made a plan, so I stuck to it.
He showed up with his dog again. I basically had to psych myself up to seem like I wasn’t totally drowning in sleepiness. I’m going to have to admit that I wanted him. He seemed amazing as stated several times throughout this post, and it was date 3, so it seemed perfectly acceptable to go for it. Well, the sex should’ve raised a red flag for me to run. But it only made me ponder if there was something kind of weird about him, not actually give up on dating him. Something about it made me feel violated. He was basically “fucking” me so hard that it almost seemed abusive at times. I also looked at him and at one point he had a crazy look in his eye. Afterwards, I wasn’t sure if I even liked him anymore. It basically had the opposite effect, and turned me off. He also proceeded to say, “should we get tested next week so I don’t have to use a condom?” I was like…um, hell no. I’m not sleeping with you without a condom. I’m not on BC, and I have no inclination to get on it right now. That’s a big decision.” He seemed a bit clueless. That did seem a bit presumptuous. I decided it was best if we just went to sleep.
The next morning we woke up, and I figured that it must’ve just been an awkward first time. So we attempted it again, and this time, it was really really good. Probably the best sex I’d had in awhile. Something to think about all those times masturbating. He did keep calling me “babe” which was a bit too soon though. He also asked me if we should delete our profiles on the competitor site. I said, “no, I just met you and I’m not ready to do that. We’re not exclusively dating, and I’m not sure about you yet.” It did seem nice of him to ask, but also a little weird.
He texted me and told me that he had purchased a Groupon to my favorite Mexican place. He offered to bring some over to my place that night after my work meeting and we could watch one of his other movies. I agreed, although I wasn’t totally sure, as I was still exhausted. But I sucked it up, again. He told me that he would drug his dog and leave him home this time. I was incredibly relieved to hear that because his dog’s presence in my apartment was getting really old, messy, and he was too up in my dog’s grill. I couldn’t just chill with his dog there, meaning I couldn’t really just get to know the dude. Plus since day 1 he had mentioned how he wasn’t sure he wanted to keep the dog, and kept asking me if I’d be mad if he brought him back to the shelter. I thought it would be a little shitty to do, but told him it was his life and he can make his own choices.
Well, he when he showed up, he had his dog in hand and seemed a little racy. My cofounders were still there getting ready to leave. The first thing I said to him in a semi polite tone was, “umm I thought you were going to leave your dog at home? What happened?” He said, “things changed”. I was a bit annoyed for reals and almost wished he would just leave. But he had brought me dinner at a place I had mentioned and went out of his way to do it. I tried to just be the nice person I try to usually come off as. I did think it was odd that he didn’t even ask if I had any food preferences from my favorite place, but again, he went out of his way so I didn’t want to say anything. He also brought me a reusable water bottle he had purchased that day because he had heard me say I liked infused water. He still seemed pretty great anyways.
We started watching a movie, and he began to type an email to his neighbor about some lawsuit he was facing. He seemed really intense about it. He also seemed to be talking fast and blamed it on the fact that he had consumed way too much coffee that day. I tried bringing up a couple of things about the movie, and he stopped me, like, I’m typing, I’ll be done soon. This went on for an hour. So I finally said, “Ya know it’s a little weird that you come over and while we’re watching a movie you are spending your time typing an email instead of hanging out.” He didn’t say much. After the movie, I had hit my limit and just felt straight up exhausted in a bad way. I said, “lets go lay down”. He stayed out in the livingroom for a bit and gave his dog my dog’s favorite chew toy, which was not cool in my book. I told him that I’d prefer if his dog refrained from chewing on that and to please remove it from his mouth as those particular toys were really hard to find and really expensive. He seemed annoyed about this, but begrudgingly obliged.
Upon laying down, he asked me about my male friend that I had brought up once or twice before in a totally platonic setting, and asked what he did for a living. I told him that he was a copywriter and seemed to be making good money at it and seemed happy and successful. He then started to just stare out the window silently. And then said, “ya know I think I’m just going to go home and get a good night’s sleep.” I was like, “ok, do what you need to do. Is everything ok?” He stood up and said, “I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong tonight.” I said, “well, no, I’m just super tired and sleeping seems like a good idea. But yea if you feel like you’d rather go home and sleep, feel free. Lets get together next week, as I have a super busy week coming up.”
This set him off and he lost it. Something snapped. He started spinning out of control. Talking me in circles, saying the most condescending things he could possibly think of. He started off saying, “the comment you said about me bringing my dog in front of your cofounders was the meanest thing anybody has EVER said to me. You have no tact. You are so insensitive.” He started repeating my name over and over and after each time we said my name he would follow it with, “do you understand human emotions? do you know how humans work? do you understand that people have feelings? do you realize how insensitive you are?” Many of the statements were repeated over and over and over as well. It all got very confusing. He also said, “and you won’t even apologize, you just don’t give a shit at all do you???” At this point he was talking so much I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise so I had to talk over him to say, “even if I am sorry you won’t let me get a word in edgewise to apologize.” This set him off even more, and he started saying even more mean things. At this point I was just like, FUCK NO. And told him that I did not appreciate his condescending tone and he needed to leave. He proceeded to walk out to the living room to gather his things. I stayed in my room waiting for him to walk out the door. I was already shaking with rage and totally shocked that he had lost it. It got really quiet and I had wondered if he had left. Well, no, he was still there, just being really quiet. He walked back in and starting ripping me a new one all over. This time it was about my friend. He started yelling in a high pitched voice, repeating my friend’s name over and over and proceeded to say, “you only care about money, you’re a gold digger, you’re soul-less, evil, a bitch, you don’t know what being an entrepreneur means, you don’t care about anyone, your life revolves around money, you don’t know what saving the world means, you’re a fake, a fraud, a faker, a fraud, a fraud, a fraud”…over and over and over. I was just sitting there like, WTF is he talking about???? Clearly this dude didn’t know anything about me, as that was the complete opposite of how I operated. Apparently my comment when asked what my friend did and saying he was making good money and successful, made this dude hella jealous. I stood up and said, “you seem very crazy right now.” This of course made him talk more. Something in me snapped at that moment, and I yelled, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PLACE RIGHT NOW.” When he continued to stand there, I repeated, “GET THE FUCK OUT!”. On pure adrenaline and feeling like he might lash out more or that my well being was at jeopardy and he might get physical, I managed to get past him to walk to the door and open it. He tried to grab his dog so he wouldn’t get out, and in that bent over pose, I managed to shove him out of the door, slam it, and lock it. This was something I had never done in my life. Yet, instead of feeling empowered, I felt scared shitless. Shaking with rage, and feeling massively jarred, I tried calling my cousin, my dad, texting friends, I mean I didn’t know what this dude was capable of. Of course it was late, and hardly anyone was up. I did manage to get a hold of a couple though.
He texted me an hour later saying, “My comment about your friend might’ve been a bit harsh. You’re no savior though. Sorry if I hurt you.” I did not respond. Thanks? No shit dude? Are you fucking delusional?
The next day I felt broken. I was scared, and this experience brought up a past experience I didn’t want to relive. Later into the evening when I was just starting to feel better, he texts me again. This time saying, “I took you headphones and think you have my charger. Can I come by and we talk out what happened last night?” This set me off all over and wasn’t sure if I should respond. My friends gave me mixed opinions. Finally I contacted my friend who had a stalking situation, and she said to respond very directly so that I would have text proof of telling him not to contact me. I said, “I do not have your charger. I do not want to see you. Please refrain from every contacting me again in any form.” He said, “Got it. I must’ve been mistaken. Take care.” I thought it was over.
The next day, again feeling more empowered and better emotionally, he proceeded to text me AGAIN. This time with business advice about my app. Feeling set off again, my parents told me to block him. I decided not to respond and do that. I have his name, know approximately where he lives, have the text conversation, and a pic of his dog. So if anything happens I’m ready, and I will call the police. Don’t fuck with me.
What started out as TP Total Package quickly turned to TP Total Psycho. I realized I had missed some red flags being caught up in his charm. Also, I need better boundaries around dating and inviting people over. I’ve also lost my sex drive and if I date it will be very innocent. So thanks dude. Thanks a lot.